i don't ever think i had the experience of writing something and thinking. i love what i wrote. closed my laptop down and said done! smiled and went to bed. its more like hitting send or keeping it in my draft books. my thoughts have always been jumbled. i have only been diagnosed with adhd but there are other things going on in my brain that i cannot name but that totally prevents me from the american dream. i think thats why i use lower case letters. cuz i don't remember when i started typing like this. is it a millennial thing or is there some gen z theory that i am out of touch about? as i'm writing today and thinking about what i'd actually like this blog to be. the only way it will ever work is free writing. cuz let me tell you right now, i know a little about a lot of things and a lot about huge things. so its kinda like a little. my sentences come out and they don't make sense to me when i read them back or i'll just stop mid thought. this is one of my favorite ways of writing and its how i've been writing for years actually in this moment i realize i have not written this way in months because i am not actually journaling. more than likely i started it on livejournal. i don't know basic grammar. it's never stuck with me. i always think about going back to elementary school as a 40 year old and learning everything all over again. i know i'd return to this writing thing ever since i started and i had a really hard time with it and i kept having issues with connecting. i've always felt very detached to muy mind but our of tune with my spirit and i've always wanted to imitate writers. but i can write a descent song but i cant cconect enough with producers. i always assume someone will treat me poorly. even though i think i've come to learn that i didn't give people a chance and my judgemental nature has really disconnected me from some great people. i don't understand the science behid this whole concept of multiple words and timelines but in my memory i'm always going to this places i remember and thinking about the different choice. okay, so with these jumbled words i invite you to tell me what other people are writing about this? what concepts do i speak of. i'm espcially interested in black cultural astrology and cosmologies there so many of them. so yeah this is like my chat gpt. i look and research but also i learn differently. people always talking about research research they purposefully make this shit hard to understant. i intentionally said i can't do this shit and i dont have the tools to figure it out for myself i need to take care of these immediate needs just to survive and i did survive. that is why i am here now. but i am barely holding on . i think a mule of the world is always feeling like death is around the corner and being okay with it because we love butterflies right and we get it. but also! also! this life has a hold on me. i feel so foriegn yet so responsible for her flesh. and i havent been caring for it and when i think about what i have done to her i feel like i want another chance inside this body to get it right. reincarnate . i always wondered how on earth would i have chosen this body and the only thing i can convince myself of is that i love her. i love her all of her. and i came to shepard her in to understanding that she deserves love. or am i here to control her? or have i forgotten because if i loved her how could i spoil her body. how could i keep her inside and sick. and then when i hear this side i think oh i am the master. i am repeating what the master been saying and whispering in her ear about what the master been blaring out loud from his speakers. then i think i want to read more about other societies how on earth am i not a cultural antrhopologist!
